As excited as I am about finally jet-setting off into the world again, I’m equally as nervous and anxious and have been all in my feels about it the past few weeks just trying to mentally prepare for this trip.
Travel and the world have always been my thing you know lol the thing I was good at and could/would do on my terms always and the way I wanted to. Staying in dingy hostels, accepting rides from strangers and trusting the universe and kindness of people, trying new foods without the fear of getting sick, relying on public transport because I want to do it like the locals do it, the list goes on lol but this time is already faring to be quite different.
This time I’m travelling as a mama. A mama of a baby who is still very much so new to the world and has completely changed, transformed, distorted, my life. Yes a million times for the better alhamdulillah always, but I don’t know if I’m ready to let that change creep into this part of my life. Not that I’m not ready, but I don’t want it to. I don’t want it to infringe on my happy-place negatively in fear of it being yet another part of me that needs to be on pause or temporarily ‘let-go’ of just because I’m a mama. If that makes any sense at all lol?!
I’m not complaining I promise, nor am I ungrateful for even the opportunity to be able to alhamdulillah travel with my little family because that in its own is privilege alhamdulillah, but if you’ve been here for a while I think (hope!) you’ll kinda sorta get me xx I also think it’s going to be one of those things maybe only mamas (or babas) will get too solely based on the fact that you’ve lived it/are living it, and have experienced that shift of identity once you’ve had a baby x
It won’t be the same. It’s not just me myself and I versus the world anymore. I don’t just answer to myself (and mama!) anymore. I, we, as mama and baba, need to make sure we have enough diapers for the day. And snacks. And extra clothes. And what if she gets sick and we can’t go see that thing we were so excited to travel so far to come see?! I don’t think Bilal will struggle with this as much as I will lol and obviously in that aforementioned scenario my baby comes first lol but I know I’ll subconsciously feel that feel and I’m not quite sure what to do with it when the time comes.
There isn’t really a point to this post, just some inner ramblings like we used to do lol but I’ve been trying to go through it and prepare mentally and emotionally that this is going to be different. Its own experience. Maybe a slower paced one. Maybe a less adventurous one where we think twice about riding scooters with strangers. One where every golden hour doesn’t necessarily warrant an Instagram outfit photo lol. I might be baby-wearing and won’t be able to crouch low to get ‘the-shot’ of someone praying, and I need to be okay with it.
The thought has crossed my mind that if I knew the last time was going to be the last time, void of any responsibility etc., would I have done something different?! Maybe commemorated it somehow, or spent a little while longer watching the sunset on my own, or, or, or… I don’t know the answer to that question. Maybe yes, maybe no, but in the depths of my heart I know I did my best to embody #noregrets in whatever capacity within my means no matter where I was, and that brings me some peace x That, and believing in the concept of ‘maktub’. That it’s already been written to happen exactly the way it’s supposed to by means way beyond us, and so nothing different really could have happened because if it was meant to it would have lol but it played out the way it did for a reason, and so there’s contentment in that alhamdulillah xx
If you’ve made it this far, yay lol thank you for letting me share my thoughts and feelings with you, and thank you for being on this journey with me. I was always unsure about myself when I would just sit and write and post on the blog, but as of late I’m finding it to be a source of reflection and it’s because of you x I’m forever grateful to you for engaging with me, my postings, my thoughts, all of it lol and subconsciously encouraging me to continue sharing x I’ve always made a point to say that even if one person likes a post or a share or is inspired, it was more than enough for me and that I’d keep doing it for that one person (who was initially just my mama lol) but alhamdulillah for those of you who are in addition to mama xxx love you longtime xoxo